life in my thirties

In the span of one day, I feel too many things. Sometimes I’m completely lost, and then for a moment I find my a way forward.

I think that maybe I can figure it all out.

Every time I reach the next step on my path, I don’t feel less shaky or nervous. Each step after the one I’m currently on feels really big and difficult to get to.

I know I wanted a life that challenges me. I know that the alternative, a placated life, could not bring me a sense of fulfillment. I know because I tried it, and the experiment was a colossal failure.

I have come to the conclusion that those ‘nifty’ feel-good catchphrases are not true wisdom. “Smile! You’re alive!” is always unsolicited advice, but is especially grating in those situations when life has just kicked you to the ground.

And Life doesn’t stay figured out once you’ve found your footing again.

I wonder where the pressure to remain constant and stable came from. We are not constant. Our skin cells shed. Our bodies age. Our minds expand.

I know some of the sources. I get the historical misogyny that schools women about the importance of becoming a wife and creating a family. Don’t veer off track, they warn, or you’ll be worthless by the time you’re 30.

But there are other forces at work too, telling us that our lives should be disruption-free if we’re doing things right.

They affect all of us.

Yet every day I feel more convinced that the human experience is an uncertain, unpredictable, and messy terrain.

Smile. Cry. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. There are so many ways to be alive.

My book of poems You Are Your Own is available for purchase on Amazon & free through Kindle Select.